Finding Your Bliss

These past couple of weeks I suffered, worked, dreaded and even panicked about finals week, but since I am still writing it must be known that I survived. I don't know if I am intact or not, but somehow I was able to get through those treacherous days. After I handled that hurdle I immediately went home to start and finish an even more daunting task.

My plan was to move into my sister's old room, but before doing so I would clean, paint it, move all my furniture into it other than my dresser and trunk, and then paint those as well. Not the same color as the walls of course. I have more style than that even though my own sister questions it constantly... I think it is due to the fact that I took over her old room and replaced the old memories with my own. Which basically means that she was pissed that I wanted to paint the walls. However, it stil needed to be done and if I wasn't going to do it, my mother was. My plan is to finish the project before I go back to college. We'll see how far I get on that.

These past two days I have been in the cities though so no work has been continued on my room for a while. This unexpected trip has been glorious, chaotic, and jam packed with miniature adventures. Yesterday, my friend Lissy, the one I went on my road trip with, and I came down to the twin cities so that she could perform at a 10 year anniversary of Prelude today. While always somehow being a half hour late, we were able to see all her old Perpich friends at Caribou, and meet her cousin and my old roommate Sam for dinner at The Crave in St. Louis Park.  We seemed to always be late due to my stupid GPS giving us the wrong directions or not having the restaurant in the system was a challenge, but somehow everything worked our for the best.

Then today, being that friend, who was never in Prelude, was very interesting and amazing to join in on the convention during the day. I must admit that the open arms I was given made me feel right at home even though I can not sing for anything. I mean my voice is okay, but NOTHING compared to their wonderful voices. I was completely aware about how inadequate I am in that department; however, I was able to do a workshop that involved acting. I was up there with a partner doing an improv scene about a customer dining in a restaurant. This was probably the most fun I had in ages. The teacher right in the beginning said "everyone one of you will fail at this, and you will look like a fool, but you will try nonetheless to succeed". Knowing this when my partner and I volunteered second made it even more fun. I was given the chance to try something out without any pressure to be perfect. Being a server, one would think that I would opt for that role, but my partner and I decided to mix things up and I was given the chance to be the customer. The challenge and the critiquing stopped us many a time and made us redo it, mostly to complement me, haha just kidding. The first time stopped I was complemented and made to redo it mostly because the teacher wanted to point it out and see if I could redo it the same way. I succeeded!

There was one thing that really was honed into me today that all three teachers said "Don't follow your dreams, follow your bliss." Do what makes you happy, don't try to reach an ever unreachable goal. That's what I am going to do and doing right now. I found my bliss, now I must pursue it.

Roommates, Dance and Class

The roommate I was complaining about is moving out; however, it wasn't my fault or our other roommate's fault. In fact, I am a failure when it comes to trying to get others to clean up when they are not my family or close friends. I guess I hate conflict too much. Bright side though? I don't have to deal with her slob-like habits or her bitchy attitude anymore! I feel bad for the reason she is leaving and all, but I am happy because she is leaving. This makes me super overjoyed. Now, my other roommate and I have to find another roommate or two, so we talked to a couple friends about it and now there are a bunch of people asking to live with us. It's humbling and amazing to know a lot of people want to live with me, but the having to choose is going to be the worst part of it. Because they all happen to be friends and some are living in terrible situations. Just like I was, so I feel bad and want to say yes, but my other roommate is picky.

 Living in this apartment, I must admit hasn't been heaven or even close to it. Before my roommate decided to go back home, I was thinking about moving out because of how miserable I am. I love the school, the town, my friends; however, my living arrangement was a living hell. I was in agony, well I still am, but there is a light at the end of the tunnel now.

Right now is the around the end of the semester and I am starting to freak out, badly. I have this one class that I have no idea if I am even passing, and even though I like the professor, she doesn't understand why I just can't get the right answers. I believe it is because this class frightens me beyond belief. Don't get me wrong, I love the subject but make me remember certain phyla and class names and I am completely lost. I can write about nature quite well and am probably getting an A in my nature writing class, but give me the science of if and it goes right over my head. It's a good thing that I realized early on that I did not want to be a biology major anymore.

Then to really make my life hell, the Dance Ensemble program I am in at my university just had their performances, we had to do three performances within two days, and the whole week before that is what I call tech. week where we have rehearsals and times to figure out the lights and practice. All this happening two weeks before finals. FUN!

 It is truly a lot of fun, but I found myself getting sick and being unable to do some assignments this past week which is not fun.

These next couple weeks need to go by very fast because I am in need of a break, pronto! Then instead of relaxing I will do a complete makeover on my bedroom! I am even switching rooms! It will be some great fun and a lot of work, but I am looking forward to this work. I can't wait to have the finished product!

Football Games and Superwoman

Lately, I have been so busy that I could barely take time to breath. Homework, studying, and more studying have clutched my life closely to their bosom. It seemed that there would be no more fun for me until Christmas break; however, I have found a bit of light from my lamp near my bed.

 Last weekend, I decided to go to the last football game of the season instead of freaking out about the finals that would be cornering me soon. It was a blast to bundle up drinking hot chocolate, and watch our team beat the other ever so closely. Our commentary was ridiculous, switching from who was cute, nice, good at football, and the amazing plays we were watching. All around, it was amazing to have those moments.

But that isn't all that has been going on in my life. And to be fair, it was probably mean to do it; however, it had to done. I can't always be Ms. Nice Girl.

Ever since I have moved back to college, I have been living in the apartments, which is really great and all, but there has been issues with one of my roommates about cleanliness. About her not doing her mountain of dishes until I ask her to do them a week later, and wrecking objects (my things) she uses. This is not even the worst of it.

Since she does not understand that we do not employ a maid, and that I am not a maid even though I am poor, I have found myself cleaning the apartment more than I have time to. One day, (it was my birthday) the beginning of fall break was starting, and I was super happy to go home and spend time with my family. I had everything done, I vacuumed, did my dishes, asked my roommate to do her dishes, took out the trash, so everything should have been clean when I came back. The greatest way to come back home. However, I come to find my roommate had not done her dishes at all (they covered the kitchen), and she was supposed to leave in ten minutes.

I flipped. I admit it. My outrage at her not doing them even though I told her about the smell in the apartment (disgusting) and how it was coming from those exact dishes, and how I asked her three times before that did not get it in her dense head that maybe she should have done her dishes earlier. Even telling her that we could get sick from her not doing her dishes helped. Finally pointing out that I was NOT going to do her dishes and that it was my 20th BIRTHDAY made her say sorry. Over and over again. I didn't want to be apologized to, I wanted those disgusting, rotting dishes done. Sorry does not clean the dishes.

Weeks went by, and I found myself being a mother to a teenage daughter... and I am 20. Reminding her to do her dishes, getting angry about it when she didn't after a while, then when she threw fits about getting yelled at for not doing them, I found myself soothing her and getting her to do her dishes.

Then last week, I was sick of cleaning the apartment without help, and living in filth when I couldn't get to it. So, I devised a plan that both of my roommates and I would pick chores out of a hat and we would do them. Smartest plan ever!!! However, I admit my mom helped me with the plan. Haha!

I was going to do this during the weekend since I never had time during the week. It is just not possible. Thursday before last weekend she comes up to me, and asks if I could do a huge favor. I agree to drive her to a gas station to get her hunting license because she was apparently leaving Friday to go to her aunts for deer opener. How utterly convenient.

So quickly I told her about the chores thing, she offered to vacuum before she left and said she was willing to pick another chore out of the hat. She ended up with the recycling. I had to clean the bathroom and other roommate got something else. I thought to myself, 'This is going to work!!! I am going to actually get her to do something in this apartment'. I felt so accomplished.

...But all night, she looked at online shopping while watching T.V, and when I came back from class the next day I found that none of it was done yet. I told myself to breathe, and that she would do her chores before she left. She promised. No one breaks promises.

By 1:30pm, I see her come out of her room, and after hearing about her great nap, I asked her when her aunt was picking her up. Her response? Now this is timeless... 2:00pm. I reminded her about doing the vacuuming, the recycling, and her dishes. Getting a "I know, I'll try." did not please me. Before you leave for a weekend, you do our dishes. That is respectful to the people you're living with and just plan nice to come back to. It's a win- win situation.

When I come back from my last class, nothing was really done, the recycling was done, but nothing else. I find a note for me and my other roommate. When I read it, all I hear is attitude, telling us that she couldn't do all of HER chores, and that she was sorry about not being Superwoman.

My response in my head? 'Well, I am sorry that I am responsible and can manage my time between cooking, cleaning, doing homework, studying, having a life and working out while getting enough sleep. But hey, I thought that was normal. I guess I am Superwoman. Wow, Superwoman is so ordinary.'

My outward response? I threw all her dishes into a trash bag and put them in her room. I had been told many times to do this, and I felt bad about thinking about it, but that was it. IF she wanted to see Superwoman in action, she should have thought about the consequences. Superwoman is all about justice. And my justice is that I am through with being treated like a maid. I wouldn't mind it if she paid me, but I haven't seen a penny from her.

She hasn't talked about it at all, or have finished her chores since coming back home this week. But, we'll see how that is by the end of the weekend. Ms. Nice Girl left a long time ago, and Superwoman stands in her place demanding justice.

And Superwoman ALWAYS wins... true story.

In the Helicopter I Go! (heart surgery story continued)

I believe I left this story when I was being put into the helicopter.

So there I was, barely 13 years old, terrified about separating with both parents, not knowing what the hell was happening, and having the knowledge that I wouldn't see any of my family for four and a half hours.

With a kiss goodbye from my dad, and many people watching me be jerked into the helicopter, I panicked. I was completely fine with what was going on in my body, but not with the uncertainty that my mom would be allowed to tag along. I wanted her with me. After frequent demands pleading that my mom come with, she got on (later I found out that she was going to come the whole time, but they were asking her questions about something or other). So with me strapped in, and my mom getting buckled in, I reminded my mom that we wouldn't be having lunch out anytime soon today. With a "I'm sorry honey, I didn't realize this would happen," I knew that I wasn't going to eat for a VERY long time.

Since our city park is next to the lake and it was October, the ride was beautiful. All of the leaves were still on the trees with red, gold, orange hues, and I must say it looked wonderful. The gorgeous orange, red, gold leaves held my full attention unless I was called back by one of the men accompanying me and my mom to answer their questions. I didn't really care about their questions, I wanted to enjoy my first helicopter ride.

When we got to the hospital, I was taken to an emergency room where I was poked and prodded while watching Harry Potter. With my mom and I begging to let me eat, I was given a tiny ass apple juice box.
Talk about torture.

There was also still no word about what was going on with my heart, or at least the doctors weren't telling us. My mom was trying hard to be strong for me even though I wasn't the one freaking out (unless  it was about eating. For some reason I become down right mean if I don't get to eat.)  After a couple of hours of waiting, my uncle visiting, and more tests done, we finally found out what was going on in my heart.

I had Pericardial Effusion. I was one of seven children who have had it in a three-state region, and it could have potentially been deadly. Pericardial Effusion is where there is a hugely abnormal amount of fluid between the heart and the pericardium (sac surrounding the heart). There is a need for 2-3 tablespoons of fluid to help the heart move inside the sac; however, I had 20 ounces of fluid surrounding my heart in this sac. The pericardium doesn't expand very much either, so the dangers of squishing my heart was the reason for the all the pain in my chest. That and the fact that my heart was weighing down my lungs making it harder to breathe. The doctors told my mom and I that I was being scheduled for heart surgery since this would be the only way to get rid of all that fluid.

Hearing this, I rejoiced in the fact that I would get to eat. I wasn't having surgery today! I could eat!!! After getting the news about my condition, I was transfered to the 7th floor (the heart floor) and given a room to myself. My mom and I were reunited with my dad and my one of my sisters (the other was in college at the time without a car), and I quickly demanded sustenance from the nurse. It was around 11 o'clock pm at this time; she quickly told me that the kitchen was closed and had been for some time. I started crying like a little baby; I was finally given a tiny cup of chocolate ice cream, which was taken away from me after I ate only a half of the miniature cup. It didn't bother me so much since I was full, apparently my stomach shrunk throughout the day.

The next day I was told about the consequences of doing this operation and the repercussions for not doing the surgery. Obviously I decided to have the surgery, since heart surgery is in the title of this blog. My one demand was that I would be able to have my blanket with me when I went in to surgery. I had it the whole time during this fiasco, I might as well bring it with me there. Yes, I was very demanding in this hospital; however, I did say that I get very grouchy when people do not allow me to eat. And a stuffed animal or a blanket was allowed to surgery since I was in a children's hospital.

Later that day, I went into surgery with the knowledge that something would be cutting deep inside me to get to my heart. I was finally terrified.

After four or five hours of surgery, I was brought into the ICU place where I woke up a couple hours later to find flowers, stuffed animals, and my family were all there (only one could visit at a time though). I quickly fell back asleep.

I spent a week in that hospital, watching movies, playing games with visiting family and friends, playing bingo on the children's hospital network, and watching the amount of fluid run out of my chest into a tube where it fell into a measuring bucket thing. I was given three large meals each day after that surgery, letting me choose what I wanted to eat, so my recovery and my mood were improving with time.

I don't think I could ever forget any of these memories. Sometimes when I think about everything that happened, my chest starts to ache in remembrance. And if you're wondering about how my Pericardial Effusion was caused, we still don't know how it happened. But it has caused many repercussions, I now have had flares of Pericarditis (a smaller version of Pericardial Effusion) throughout these last seven years, and will for probably the next eight years. But who knows? I could stop having the flares way before that. Since time has progressed, the flares have become farther apart and lesser. I usually get a flare up maybe one a year now, and the way to treat it is so much easier since it is taking Prednisone for a month or so.

I live with the knowledge that I could get it again at anytime, and rarely talk about it unless someone asks. The reason? I don't think it is at all harder than what trials others go through. Like I said, just different.

When I was 13, I had Heart Surgery

First of all I would like to say that my life experience is just that, mine. I also want to say before I tell my story that I do not believe that my story and life experience is harder than anyone else's, just different. I believe that every life has its difficulties and mine comes in the form of medical bills. Haha. Get it?
If you did not get my horrible joke it was supposed to be funny. Heart surgery is expensive, therefore I get medical bills. Hence the joke. Don't worry I have medical insurance that saved my life and my parents from going bankrupted. So, with all this said, here is my story.

When I was probably five days into being a new thirteen year old girl, I had to go to the hospital and get heart surgery. At the time, I did not believe I would have to have this done. I just thought of myself as a normal girl. Of course, I believe every child thinks that, but I am getting off topic. During the six months before I had the surgery, I would get this slight pain in my chest. It would come and go at random times, but the slight pain slowly grew to the point of not being able to run for very long or even to walk up the stairs without being exhausted.In the beginning, my mom and I thought that it was because I pulled a muscle from tubing or another extreme summer sport since I was so active.

 As the pain grew, the more I felt that it was my time to go, and was hiding the extreme pain it caused me from my parents. However, my mom could start seeing the signs and realized that I was never sleeping on my back anymore due to the crushing pain on my lungs. Because of my medical history, she kept asking me if I wanted to go to the clinic to get myself looked at. I admit that I am a foolishly stubborn person and would freak out at the thought, so we wouldn't go. However, in October I started to feel the pain much more, and I was struggling to do the basic tasks while also hiding the fact that I was in agonizing pain. It started to bother me during my birthday party, and wouldn't stop. I remember missing the first day of Confirmation, and in the church I go to, you do not miss this day because it is very special. It was then that my mom demanded that I go to the clinic; I didn't even argue.

The next day, my mom was able to get an appointment at the clinic around noon. I was lying on my parents bed when she came in to tell me that it was time to go. As she was helping me put my socks and shoes on, I realized that I was starving. I was so hungry, and when I told my mom this, she said,

"Taylor, we're almost late for this appointment, would you mind if we went to the appointment first? I'll take you out to lunch afterwards, how about that?"

After accepting her offer, not only because it sounded amazing but because when I ever was sick from school, I could never leave the house other than medicinal reasons. A genius rule; I must say it kept me from skipping school and pretending to be sick a lot. Anyway, when we got to the appointment I did what everyone had to do at that age, get weighed and have my height measured. We waited the usual wait for the doctor or his assistant to come in. When I was checked by the assistant for my breaths, my heart beats, and my pulse, she seemed be having problems. First, when she checked my pulse, she had to do it three or four times before she could even hear it. Then, when she was listening to my heart apparently it was very muffled. Perplexed and uneasy, the assistant went to fetch the doctor.

During this time, I was very calm and centered, almost in a 'all you need is love' mood while my mom was a pile of stress sitting next to me, and my dad was oblivious in the waiting room.
The doctor came in, did ALL the same things that the assistant did, and muttered about medical things under his breath. Finally, he asked if it was okay if I could get a x-ray of my chest. After my x-rays were done, I could hear whispers outside my room, and my doctor demanding to get on the phone with someone. When he came into the examining room he asked us if we have a history of large hearts, and when our answers didn't seem to make him feel any better, he brought us out of the room to look at the x-rays taken of me.

When we saw them, he pointed to where my heart should be, and said I had no heart... just kidding. He actually told us that the black spot where the heart goes was abnormally large. Larger than any heart should be in a 13 year old. I remember standing there so still with my shoulders hunched over and listening to his words, almost as if I was in a daze. I remember him asking my mom if he could have me pee in a cup for testing, and get some blood work done. We quickly did that, and while my mom and I were waiting in the examining room we heard even more rushing around. My doctor came in with some nurses and put me in a wheelchair. I was pushed into the emergency room where I was given an oxygen mask, and had a I.V. put into me. The doctor was right outside the door yelling in a phone about a helicopter, and my mom was ash white.

During this whole time, I was seeing people freaking out, and running around like their heads cut off while shivering because the fall breeze from the large open door and my medical gown was too thin to keep it off me.
Suddenly, my dad was crouching in front of my wheelchair with tears running down his face telling me that he loved me so much and I that I was special. He told me that he would be right with me, but that he had to go collect my sister from the school or something.

I panicked. My dad had never cried in front of me other than at a funeral, so I concluded that the world was ending. When I saw the ambulance pull up to the door and people climbed with a gurney, it was decided, the world was WAS going to end. It was baffling to me when I realized that all this was going on because of me. Little ol' me.

Before we left in the ambulance, I was told that I would be transported to the park. I would at that point fly down to the twin cities in a helicopter. We drove the three blocks to the park, saw that the helicopter was already there and a bunch of people (family and friends - surprising since this all happened within an 2 hour time period).

After realizing that I would not go in the helicopter unless my mom came with me, my doctor got the pilot and medical people to let her come with me. Frankly, I started to freak out when they were not letting my mom come, but what 13 year old kid wouldn't?

And since this is a huge story, it is to be continued...

Fatal Vision and Bees

Last night, I went to "The Help" with some girl friends of mine, and let me tell you. Great. Movie. It was so emotional and inspiring. To see a writer and how she struggles to do what is right at the same as further her career is something that I would not have imagined. The whole story was quite grounding. The things that the help had to put up with were very interesting. I enjoyed learning about what happened, and I am putting this book on my To - Read list. The one thing that I loved most about this movie was when Aibileen would tell the little girl " You is smart. You is kind. You is important." It made me want to cry because there was nothing wrong with that adorable little girl, and that mother never gave her a chance. Aibileen was the best thing for her.

I think today has been one of the most busiest days, I have had since coming back to school. This morning I took a quiz before that same class before the time that it was due. It was due at 8:30 in the morning. Then going to class, I learned me some knowledge.

 In between a couple of my classes and before lunch today, I helped partake in Fatal Vision. It is a program put on by the Peer Health Educators (which I am now in), and it helps students realize the dangers in drinking. Mostly drinking and driving. To make the experience somewhat real feeling, we made "mocktails" which is basically virgin drinks for anyone to have, then if they so desired, they could drive in a golf cart with a policeman weaving between cones while wearing "drunk goggles". It was a great hit. Meeting so many different people and getting them to walk the line (with the goggles of course) or driving the golf cart was funny. The one thing that made it really interesting though were the bees.

The bees were swarming the grenadine. We needed it for almost every single drink, and no one was volunteering to grab a bottle with five or six wasps on it. And people were asking for those drinks.

Earlier, in one of my classes, we were talking about co-existing with nature or at least trying to deal with certain aspects of nature that we (humans) don't like and decide to kill. Animals or particularly bees usually don't do anything to humans until we aggravate them.

When people kept asking for drinks that needed grenadine, I was the one to pour it. People saw what I was doing and could not believe that I was handling being around 15 or so bees and waving them away like it was no big deal. But it was a huge deal, I was constantly thinking to myself 'animals are more scared of humans, than we are of them. Someone needs to be sensible, might as well be me'. So each time I would grab that bottle, I would pray that what I was taught was right. I prayed that they would not sting me.

There was even a time that a bee fell into this guy's drink, and he told me that if I got it out that he would still drink it. I don't think he thought I would take it out because he got this surprised look on his face. I asked him "Are you sure you don't want another one? Because I can make you one" again, and his reply? "Uh, no thanks. This is good." Everyone seemed in awe of how I was handling the bees surrounding me, and landing on me. In truth, I was freaking out... I didn't show that to them though. In the end, I was satisfied to know that I didn't have to kill any bees, or do anything drastic to deal with them. I conquered something. Well, internally anyway. I coexisted with something I don't like. Victory is  mine!

Then after the rest of my classes, I went to the Root Beer float social gathering with some friends. I had a cherry coke float and it made me happy. It also ruined my dinner since it was 5 pm. But, sometimes you have to ruin your appetite in order to eat with good company. Or at least that is what I tell myself, so that I can break the rules sometimes.

Facebook and Breathalyzers on a Monday Night

What have I been doing since disconnecting Facebook? Going crazy? Some would say so. Even I would probably say so. I seem to go to my computer unintentionally clicking on my browser to get to Facebook. What was really smart of me, was to move where my Facebook button was to a place I usually don't look. Luckily instead of going on Facebook, I am now spending half that time on youtube and the other half doing things with friends. Tonight, I went to dance ensemble practice, to a Peer Health Educator (PHE) meeting, and had the police come to my apartment to give me and my roommates a breathalyzer test.

Hmm, life without Facebook seems to be getting a little interesting. Also just in case anyone wants to know, we all passed the test with flying colors. I do admit that I was afraid that I was going to run out of air but I didn't. Apparently one of the CA's (community advisor) heard one of us talking about not being sober. Anyway, it surely spiced up my night. I just don't understand why anyone would drink on a Monday night. I mean seriously, a Monday? No one should want to get drunk on a weekday unless they are on vacation.

Tonight, I blew my first breathalyzer right after talking about the signs of alcohol poisoning at the PHE meeting. Tomorrow night, I will be going to the movie "The Help", and the night after I will going to a meeting about a Belize spring break trip. This weekend is Homecoming, and my lust for life is starting to trickle back into me.

Newspapers and Aliens

I am back home in Morris, my little itty bitty vacation at my hometown sadly came to an end a little too soon for me, but what can you do? I have classes that I need to go to, and I have to face the music. After my drive and I settled in, I saw my roommate's newspaper called "The University Register".

The UR is a newspaper written by students for students. It has important subjects that are going on in the world, on the campus, as well as the not so important things that are just fun to read. Don't forget to do the crossword puzzle and the sudoku.

However, it's the Horoscope section that I always turn to. Such as this week's reading. "When Neptune is in the final stretch of its orbit, you can be sure to make a self realization. Your life is a conspiracy set up by the government to protect your alien parents."

If you were a Libra, then apparently, your parents are aliens. It's true. But don't worry, that means that you're an alien as well.

Maybe that is why my family is so close! We keep contact with almost all our family members, normally families don't usually do that, do they? I wonder if because I am an alien, that would mean that I have super awesome powers. I wouldn't mind having powers that could help me with stuff like cleaning, or doing my homework.

But, alas, I am not an alien, nor are my parents, or any Libra. This horoscope reading is just one for fun. It is nothing serious; however, I do enjoy reading it. There are ones out there that are completely serious, but this one is not it.
(If you still think you or your parents are aliens, then maybe you should go get yourself checked out. If you still think I am an alien, then I guess I would have to use my alien powers to make you think otherwise.)

What's up Buttercup?

So, what has been happening with the infamous Taylor? Well, actually I am not quite sure, and even if I was sure, I don't know if I could actually write about it. So, what does this even mean? 

This past week or so has been very interesting. Not always a good interesting I admit, but interesting none the less. Being back in college is kind of hard. I feel so restless. Like I should be doing more with my life. If probably could be that last year was so amazing and it was the beginning of something new while this year, I am used to it. However, I would never think of quitting college because I know deep down that this is something that I need to do and is right. When I am there, it feels like home. Even though it is tough, with the homework, exams, and sometimes the roommates. I know that I belong there for the rest of my college career. I love it there. I guess that I am going through some hard times with questioning what I want to do anymore and if trying to become a published writer is even worth the very hard work. Is the English degree that I am spending so much money to get really worth it? And in the end, I say yes. Only because one must experience the world to write about the world. I know I am not the best writer in the world, but I do try really hard and I am always ready to fix my mistakes. But most importantly, it is one of the things I love most to do. Writing has gotten me through a bunch of crap, it's even pulled me out of a depression. I mean, who wouldn't want to spend all day in your amazing imagination? Well, I guess most, but oh well. 

Lately, I have had to write in a nature journal for one of my classes so by the end of the day, I get worn out of writing my thoughts. All of my classes this year seem to be very time consuming. But then, so is talking to my friends on Facebook. Which reminds me, I disconnected Facebook a couple days ago because I have been feeling like I am becoming obsessed with it. I decided that my obsession with Facebook needed to end because I want to live my life, not create it on Facebook.

 And let me tell you, this is torture. I feel as if I am going through with-drawl. But I said that I would disconnect it for a month or two and I am going to do it. Everyone is doubting that I will stay off it for even a week! One of my friends even stated that she doubted that I would do it. So, just to show everyone that I am true to my word and that I could do it, I did it. 

For some odd reason, everyone seems to be doubting me, and I will not have it. So anything that I say I will be doing, I will be trying my hardest to do. 

Lately, my angst seems to be also coming from the fact that I have been having some boy trouble (boy shall forever remain nameless). In the past while, it seems we've been playing this game of 'tug of war' with our hearts and I told him officially that I was tired of our games and that he needed to make his decision now basically. He didn't choose me, and that was when I told him "no more". He said that he doubted that this cycle that we were in would end because I said it would and that I was ending it. There it is again, that doubting! Anyway, I told him that this time was different. And this time, I will make sure that it is different because I want my heart back. 

So, I found this song an hour ago, and I fell in love with the music video. It is perfect! It has dancing, singing that sounds happy but really isn't and some humor. It made me smile through basically the whole music video.

Where Did All My Time Go?

As I am procrastinating with my British Literature reading, I had a thought. I would write a blog about the rest of my trip since it was very exciting and eventful, but then I had another thought. It's kind of old news and who really cares? I mean I know I care. But does anyone else? And it kind of is a daunting task at hand to talk about a whole week of adventures and I am only on day three is it? Holy Crayola! That is more writing than I have time for these days. It seems all I am ever doing is either reading and writing ALOT or doing math. I am not complaining about the first two, because I already love doing that. But math is a totally different subject. Literally. I mean it. Math and I are mutual haters. I hate math and math hates me. So in the end, the relationship isn't just one sided. Then another thought popped into my head about the week of adventures. My brain tends to jump from subject to subject and then back again. Anyways, I thought about how I haven't written about here a.k.a. Morris and me starting college again. Well, I guess there isn't too much to say since I am always studying. Okay that was a lie. I am not ALWAYS studying but most of the time I am.

So, last friday I went to some friends campfire (and had lots of yummy s'mores!) at their house. Three of these girls are English majors and I am an English major. You probably don't understand the relevance to this, but wait, it's coming! We started talking about our British Literature class and our man Geoffrey Chaucer who wrote the Canterbury Tales. Which led to William Shakespear talk. We got to talking about how we all love Shakespear and his plays and which ones were our favorites. Mine happens to be "Twelfth Night" or the other name for it is "As You Like It". It's the play that the movie "She's the Man" is based on which so happens to be my favorite movie! Well, other than Jurassic Park. I think that one will always be a classic to me.

Later that night, I started another conversation with my gal pal BJ and asked her why I haven't seen her since school started. She blames it on too much studying as well. Anyways, we chatted about how we both want to do so much while in college and join so many groups, but that we're always too busy to find more time to be in them. We shared our interests in wanting to study abroad and be a C.A. (Community Advisor- Morris's version of R.A.) but that since I am already a Sophomore that poses a challenge for me. You see, being a C.A. and a senior isn't very fun and it isn't really fair to your residents because you're always so busy and really can't create a small and tight community on the floor you live on. So, be a C.A. my junior year? Ha! Nope, because then I can't study broad. Only because studying abroad when you're a senior is plain crazy. I think I would go crazy. Then that leaves only one option. Study Abroad during spring semester when I make all my money. Hmm... decisions, decisions. What to do? Honestly, I have not one clue. Anyone want to help?

People think that four years in college is too long. I can most certainly say that is incorrect. I am a Sophomore, and I am already running out of time here. There is so much to do, and I can't help but think that I am missing a lot of opportunities.

Note: I will be trying to post the rest of the road trip sometime soon. Thanks for being patient!

Toronto Day 2

The next day, Lissy and I started out bright and early so that we could get to the CN Tower before the crowds got there. Turns out we came at the right time because we only had to wait maybe a half an hour to get to the top.
We ended up taking a ton of amazing pictures and stood on glass! We were wearing skirts so everyone could see up them, or could they? We were so far up that we could barely see the cars!

Aren't views from the CN Tower amazing?

Here is our feet standing on the glass.

From the CN Tower, we explored on foot to the Royal Ontario Museum, or I think that was what it was called, and realized well into our walk that it was a lot longer than we though it was. During the walk, we went through China Town,  and a market along the way. Halfway there, we found a very cool restaurant, I believe called The Red Door. However, the name wasn't written any where other than the menu. The place looked small and homey with the patio open all the way and the indoors and outdoor seemed to flow together. The walls had interesting artwork and bookshelves all over the place and the chairs looked vintage.

 I think this was my favorite restaurant out of the whole trip and I am heartbroken because I have no idea how to get back there. We had just stumbled upon it, and the food was fabulous.

When we finally got to the Museum, we were so hot from the weather that we couldn't wait to get inside. And what did we find? Bollywood and Dinosaurs! Yay! I absolutely love dinosaurs! My favorite movie and book is Jurassic Park so go figure.

And here is our faces from seeing the T-Rex!

By the time we left the museum, it was dinner time. So where did we go? To the Distillery District where the old part of Toronto is.

The cobble stones made me stumble quite a bit and the artwork inside was quite modern, but the old time charm was still there.

It was probably because cars can't drive through the streets or that the street lamps were candlelit as well.
We ended up eating at Mill Street Brewery and Pub. It was amazing food and the local beer was great too! Yes, I can drink in Toronto, last I remembered I was almost twenty, and the drinking age is nineteen. After dinner, Lissy and I decided to go to this restaurant that was voted best patio in Toronto (which was next door to Mill Street, and that so happened to be the best local beer or something in Toronto) to have dessert!

It was quite lovely and we enjoyed our secluded space.

Both the dessert and the atmosphere were amazing! Both Lissy and I agreed that if we could live in the Distillery District, we would in a minute. I have found that even though I am not a big city girl, Toronto has made me want to be one. I have officially fallen in love with Toronto.

The 1st Day in Toronto! (from Road Trip)

Note: this was written a couple days into the trip. This starts on the second day of the trip, when Lissy and I are still in Sault Ste. Marie. Sorry for not posting sooner!

This is the route we took!

The next morning, we came to find a HUGE mouth watering breakfast in the dining room made by our cute german hostess.

This is in front of the B&B we stayed at! So cute!

 Everything was so good that we stuffed our faces. We weren't hungry again until we reached Toronto. The route to Toronto was the scenic one and boy was that gorgeous! There were multiple signs showing moose crossing; however we did not see any. I was really hoping to see some because Lissy said "If we see a Moose, I will seriously shit my pants!" She was so freaked out about it that it made me laugh very hard. 

Halfway through our drive, we stopped really quickly to stretch and to switch spots since I was done driving for the day. When we were talking and laughing about something, a group of people our age started walking towards us. Most of them were guys, and all of them were wearing preppy clothing. It wasn't really a happy walking toward us, it was more of a intimidating and menacing walk toward us and only one guy continued it as we hopped in the car and was driving away. These people would not have struck my interest if we would have been in an actual town or city; however, it was more a restaurant and a gas station, one on each side, there were some other people around but they were mostly on the other side or in the restaurant. Right away, their behavior stuck me as very odd, and I couldn't seem to get it out of my head when we drove away. It was at that moment that I became inspired with a story plot to write. So in the long haul, those creepy preppy almost adults helped me out.

 Soon after we entered Toronto, or at least it seemed like sooner rather than later because time flew by so fast. An eight hour drive tends to feel like nothing after a ten hour drive. We decided to explore the city right away and not check into our hotel until late into the night. We found parking right next to Second City, a stand up comedy place. We walked around multiple blocks, getting lost a couple times, but in the end it was all good because in all seriousness we wanted to be lost in this amazing city. I mean how can you find original places if you don't get lost. Anyways, we ended up going to a chain pub to eat dinner at, it was called Elephant and Castle I believe.

 Soon after it was time to go to the comedy show. 

Second City is so amazing, the entertainers there are so funny that if anyone has the chance to see them in either Toronto or Chicago, I highly recommend it. I don't think I have laughed so much in such a long time. My sides hurt so much from it. Not only that, but the tickets were reasonably priced. Since I am a college student, I usually can't afford high priced things. We were on a budget, and we were very determined to stick to it. 

After the show, we met up with friends from Minnesota who were in Toronto around the same time as us. This wasn't planned, but it was really nice to see them. After the show, we all walked to Toronto's version of New York City's Time Square. It was gorgeous during the night!

Hello Sault Ste. Marie, ON Canada!

The past couple weeks have been crazy busy with work, packing for my road trip, packing for college, and and getting a care package ready for one of my very good friends on tour for the U.S. country. While trying to find time to spend with family and friends. This life seems to be passing me by at times, but what can a girl do? Quit her second job, so she has a life? That sounds to simple.

Anyways, yesterday I was making chocolate chip cookies for mine and Lissy's trip and I realized halfway into making them that I didn't need to set some aside for my Grandfather. This was the first time since he had passed that I had made cookies, and it shocked me to realize the fact that he was gone. Most of the time, I feel like he is still alive and that I just haven't visited him in a long time, but then when I grab my keys ready to see him, I find myself just standing there feeling stupid.

Lissy and I finally took off on our road trip today,

(this was a picture I took really early in our drive, this was our omen, showing us that this trip was going to be for a lifetime)

 and we drove 10 hours and thirty minutes to get here. The time flew by fast until we got four hours to our destination a.k.a. Sault Ste. Marie ON, Canada.

By the time we got here, we were so worn out and hungry that we immediately searched for a restaurant. The B&B we are staying at was very easy to get to as well as super adorable.

I would most certainly come back to the Brockwell Chambers again. It is so cute and the people are so friendly.

Camping and the Adventures That Come With It.

My sister and I got off of work on friday later in the day, and my eldest sister and my parents were already at the campsite. We were meeting them up there with my sister's husband who got the directions from my mother. This campsite was one that we haven't been to, but since the government was shut down, we had to find a national campground instead of a state one.
We got confused after a little while about the directions that my mom gave S. We called them up and were told to go past tons of campgrounds that aren't ours. Then to turn left at that God Damn Bar (which turns out it was that Gosh Dam Place).

Then to turn left on Eagle's Nest road, where there is a sign that say "Cut Foot Experimental Forest". Which made my sister convinced that they are making new types of pot such as strawberry flavored pot.

The dirt road to get there was the longest couple miles I have ever rode it feels like.

But when we got there, it was well worth it. We found an abandoned fawn that let us pet him. So we ended up calling him Fanny.

Just so everyone knows, you should never pet a wild animal and that we are very stupid for doing that, and that you should not follow us in this folly.

But he was pretty cute. Even if we thought for a long time that is was a girl.

It was the night games that make this camping trip amazing though. On both nights, we played Screw your neighbor (a.k.a. fuck your neighbor) which is a great card game. Anyways I was sitting next to my eldest sister with her on my right and my mom on my left. We all have three quarters and each time you lose, you have to put a quarter in the pile. Let's just say that I got her out of all her quarters within the first three rounds both games. She hated it, but then each time I knew she was screwed, I would laugh my butt off. It was in between games that she asked my mom to switch seats with me but somehow I ended right back where I was. It was quite funny.

Then the next night, my middle sister kept us entertained by re-enacting her favorite SNL skits.

Sunday, we went on a little adventure to the Lost 40. It was super cool to see how big those tress have gotten.

I even hugged quite a bit of trees and felt quite small in comparison.

This was a smaller one compared to some others.

I even found tons of blueberries by the edge of the trail as well.

On our way back to the campsite, we found that we were almost out of gas, and had to find a town that hopefully had a gas station open since it was Sunday. We went to a road that said "Low Maintenance, Drive at Your Own Risk." Of course the boys and my father said "We can make it!" while my mom and I were saying no, let's turn back and go another way. That was when the gas light turned on. Luckily the town was only three miles away and C said that a car can go thirty miles with the gas light on.  So when we got to the town, we happily cheered when we saw a gas station that was open. We weren't on pins and needles hoping we could get there before the truck stopped anymore. It was quite a happy ending.

Family Camping Trip? Yes, please.

I have been so busy with work that I haven't been able to barely get any sleep, so being able to blog? Not even enough time. It doesn't help that I was reading a really good book the other day and stayed up till dawn (four in the morning) to finish it. Wow, that is lame. Most of my friends stay up till that time, but not because they're reading a book. It seems my nerdy side has turned me nocturnal, not my social rebellion part. Rebellion? What is that funny word?

Not only that, but I have been trying to pack for the camping trip that my family has planned. I will be going with my sister and her husband after work tomorrow up to the campsite. This is the first and probably last time that my whole family will be camping together all at once. I mean, it isn't just my immediate family, but two other families. Technically they aren't really family by blood, but when you grow up with all of them and they are always there for you, I must say that they are family. "Well, duh, we're family" is a phrase that I hear very often from these people.  Who is to tell me any different? I would deny the fact that they aren't.

This is a long weekend trip, and I am so excited to go! Today, I went into the bank to take care of some personal matters and saw both C and W. When I went up to the window, I was amazingly surprised to find out that he (C) was as excited as I was about the trip. He just kept telling me that I would be needing a LOT of bug spray. It made me laugh for him to think that I couldn't handle putting on bug spray. I mean seriously, we have been going on these camping trips together for four years now. And before that we had been getting in trouble together with campfires and being outside. Maybe since the few months I have been away from home and at college, he has forgotten how much time we used to spend together outside.

This camping trip will remedy that. I will make sure of it. If he thinks that I am no longer a pyro and can't handle the outdoors anymore, he has another thing coming. This trip will be great fun! I just know it!

Princesses, Work, and Approved Road Trips!

So, today is my day off. Yesterday was my day off too. What is happening? Two days off in a row! This hasn't happened since, well, never. I mean I have had days off in a row before but I had to ask them off. These two day were given to me free! There has to be a catch, right? So far, I haven't seen one, but then it's still Monday.

Yesterday, Lissy and I got the approval to go on our road trip. Her mom was iffy about the trip when we said we wanted to go to Vancouver, and in the end said no to it if my sister wasn't going to come with us. Since my sister wasn't going, Vancouver ended up in the dust. I understand her thoughts about Vancouver because the roads are mountainous and dangerous. My mom was even protesting Vancouver. But then with the time frame that we were going to do it in, I can completely understand. It was going to be a 30 hour drive there and back in six days. Which is kind of outrageous, but a girl can dream, right?

I must admit that we are adults and have been for quite some time, but we're still the babies in our families. My mom can't say no to me about this road trip because she and my aunt took one to Seattle when they were our age. My dad hates that I am going and keeps telling me no about it, but my mom and I remind him that I am an adult and that she did it without a cellphone when she was my age. It's just that my dad has a really hard time with me doing anything grown up or independent though. It's not that he's overbearing or anything, it's just that he still thinks of me as his little 7 year old tomboy who tagged along with him to work. I can't help that I am still his little princess.

Speaking of princesses, I was working Saturday night, and I was waiting on this great table who had this little boy (he was probably 3 or so) and I guess he asked his parents and grandparents if I was a princess. Then they tried to get him to ask me if I was a princess like he asked them. He was so cute and sweet, and it made me realized that even though I have bad days and even bad weeks, that this is why I keep my job, well that and the tips are really nice. It's funny how you can have rude customers or not so nice people you wait on, then you get that one great table, and BOOM! your day is just a little bit more brighter. My response? "To my dad I am a princess, so, I guess, close enough."

So, back to the point. Where is this approved road trip taking Lissy and I? To Toronto and Mackinaw Island! This road trip is only 18 hours (compared to the 30 hr. drive) one way and there are no mountains between here and there. Well, there shouldn't be and if there is, then we're screwed. And then there would be the discussion of "let's not tell our moms about this".

 I am so excited about this trip and can't keep from talking about it. I really think that my sisters are sick of it and get annoyed anytime that I mention the words "road trip, Canada," or "Toronto".  But I really haven't done anything exciting this summer, and this would be the big bang before school starts this year.   My plans are actually coming together! Agh! I am soooo excited! Really. I bet no one can tell.

Goodbye Grandpa

My Grandpa died on July 10th, very early Sunday morning. He wasn't in pain at the time (from all the painkillers) and he was surrounded by family when he passed. My grandpa and my uncles who were with him were never very religious; however, right before my grandpa died, he sat up in his bed (after not being able to even talk that whole day). My uncle found him mumbling to himself and looking at something. When my uncle tried to get him to lay back down, he wouldn't listen, but when he asked what my grandpa was looking at,  he replied "the light". I guess that he mumbled a little more before he said "I gotta go" in brisk way he always did, and passed away.

Its good that he is gone, because now he isn't in any pain and he is with my grandma. He missed her so much and had been ready to die for a long time. The thing that keeps me going is knowing that he is a better place with the woman that he loves.

On Tuesday, (yesterday) we held a tiny service and a celebration, because that is what he wanted. We had to celebrate his life, but I mean I guess I would want the same if I was 82 years old. The service was brisk with my cousin reading the obituary, the talking I did about him, and the military salute for him. I say, the hardest part was when those shots rang. They make everything so final, and sad, which is the point, but it just makes me sob when I hear them. After that was the celebration, and somehow the ones that usually need to be left alone are the ones who are most sought after. Everyone knew that I was his granddaughter because I spoke about him, so I never had a moment to cry.

This is what I said at the service:

My grandpa was a stubborn, ornery, old man, but he was also a funny, kind, and social person. He was one of the strongest people I know. Each time I would go visit him he would say "what do you want?" in that gruff tone of his. But at the end he would always say "well, come visit me again ... I love you. Goodbye." It started to be our thing so that last time we spoke he said "you better come visit me again, I love you." It broke my heart to promise him that not knowing if I would be able to make it but I did.

 I know that he loved me and my family a great deal, but his way of showing it was different. He had this huge garden, and boy did he love it. But the reason, I believe, why he loved it so much is because he knew he would be feeding his children and grandchildren with the food he grew. He grew up in a time where people didn't really show affection, yet he found a way. That's how much he loved us all.

You know, people say that you can't choose your family and that you're stuck with them no matter what, but if I had a choice, I would still choose him.

The Beach, Lissy, and Plans

Okay, so on July 3rd, I was able to hang out with my family on the beach before I had to work at five. One could really tell that this was the day before the 4th because everyone was out here, most of all the locals, and some vacationers. Well maybe that was exaggerated. But there was a lot of people.

My parents let me take the jet ski so that I could get to work on time. I haven't been on it since last year so it was REALLY nice to be able to do that. My dad was worried for me to be on it alone but he forgets that I am well past the age to drive it myself. I think it is because I am his baby, and he just doesn't want to let go.

The lake and weather was so beautiful that I had to make sure that I put enough sunscreen on and stay out of the sun after awhile.

The fourth of July ended up being very busy and kept me going fast enough that I couldn't get tired. Not only that, but the people I served (at both jobs) were so happy and carefree that it made my day amazing.

Then on July 5th, I was able to have my day off. It was blessedly wonderful. I decided to not do really anything productive except go to Bemidji with a wonderful friend that I have dearly missed. Since I cannot use her real name I will call her Lissy.

During the day, I had a relaxing day in my town. I dressed up and went out to a coffeeshop (that I usually never go to anymore) and ate while reading a book. I specifically went there because I really didn't want to be interrupted by people I know, or have the huge bussle of the tourists around me. 

Afterwards I went home and watched a start of a show called The Nine Lives of Chloe King while reading until it was time to pick up my mom from work and Lissy so we could go to Bemidji.

Lissy and I went to Target to get the junk that I absolutely cannot live without (a.k.a. deoderant, makeup and such). Afterwards we realized that we both were starving. Not really knowing what we wanted to eat the target clerk talked about places to eat (that we already knew about but had forgotten) and decided to eat at the Chinese Buffet, but on our way there we went passed one of our favorite restaurants named TuTu Benne ( I think that is how it is spelt). 

Anyways when we got there, there were four girls maybe a little younger that us asking about sitting outside. They weren't able to, and Lissy and I decided that we didn't really care where we sat, so we weren't worried. When we got up to the host, he simply said "if you wouldn't mind waiting for a bit, there is an outside table that you could sit at that just needs to be cleared". So to our enjoyment, we agreed and decided to wait. The table that we were able to sit at had four chairs. Lady Luck was on our side. 

Lissy and I spent so much time catching up, and talking about what we wanted to do in life. We were talking about road trips during spring break and how it was sad that during the school year we weren't in the same part of the country to do such things together because we agreed that we would have a blast. It was then that she said "I want to take a road trip during the summer, not just during spring break." I must admit I was hoping and waiting for her to say that, because ever since my sister planted the thought of a road trip to Vancouver. So how did I ask her to come with me? I simply said "Come to Vancouver with me. Let's go on a road trip to Vancouver." After that, things and plans quickly fell into place. We would be going around the end of August.

4th of July, Ireland, and My Grandpa

Lately, life has been hectic. I am now scheduled for six days at the swanky restaurant and one of them is a double. This does not include my schedule from my other job. The sad thing is that I am scheduled to work at both places on July 4th, so no 4th of July celebrating for me. But I knew that this was going to happen. I knew that once it hit July that my life would be my work. Don't get me wrong, I love my work and knowing that I am getting closer to paying off school. I am also planning a vacation for spring break, and money doesn't really grow on trees.

My family and I were watching the travel channel and the show about favorite travel spots was on. It was talking about Ireland and where one should go. I looked at my sister and said "we're going to go there. I want to go there." We discussed it, and I believe that she thought that I wasn't quite serious, but I am. We decided next fall because summer was our busy time. Not this fall, but the following fall so that I had more time to save up. This will not just be a dream, but a reality. I am going to Ireland... soon.

Speaking of family, my grandpa isn't doing well at all. In fact, the proper phrase to describe him at this moment is that he is dying. Slowly and painfully. I mean I have lost many people in my life, but not one do I remember watching them suffer. I know that they did; however, I was too young to understand or really see that they were. Watching him go through so much has a been really hard on me and my family. There is a point where one stops praying for a loved one to get better and starts praying for the pain to go away and that it will go fast. That point was reached a while ago. I just want his pain and suffering to go away, but it pains me at the same time to know that to make that happen I lose him forever. Why does it have to be so hard?

One of my best friends is home from work for the week. She works at a camp for pre-teens and teenagers. And what I have heard so far is that she loves it there. She is having a blast. I am really glad to hear it and to know that I get to see her one of these days, but she is only home for the week, so I have to make haste to see her. I do miss her every much, but I'll be seeing her soon. I think that will be my 4th of July celebration even if it isn't on the 4th.

Happy fourth of July!! May the fireworks you watch wow you. I know that I can't wait to see them!

Instead Of Valley Fair

So, yesterday I had the day off. I was going to go to Valley Fair, but obviously there were a lot of reasons why I didn't go. What did I do instead? I slept in til 9:30 in the morning, woke up to a call asking if I could work lunch that day, and what did I say? No, I said no. At first I felt horrible for saying it, but then after awhile I started to feel happy about it. I mean I really needed the day off. Badly. I was doing it for my mental state of mind. I was exhausted, and I absolutely needed a break.

I was able to finish my laundry, clean my room, visit my grandpa, help my dad with going to the dump, take a bike ride, pick my mom up from work, go to the bank, and visit that adorable puppy named Ruby. I guess none of it was too exciting, but it was so nice to have some me time. Not only that, but I haven't been able to finish doing all my laundry since before school ended, isn't that sad?

During the morning yesterday, I was very sensitive to the things that people were saying to me (later I realized that I was just exhausted), and when my dad offered to let me come along to the dump with him, I was wary to go. However, I hadn't been able to spend much time with him lately, and I decided that I really needed to get out of the house, so I ended up accepting. The ride was pleasant and the ability to throw objects while hearing the smash and crack of it landing on the ground helped me out of my sensitive mood. It was then that I decided that once I got back home I was going to go on a bike ride and visit my family friend and her puppy.

I took the trail right across from my house and lazily peddled down to her small house. This trip was so soothing and beautiful. I really enjoyed not being chased by dogs this time too.

 The woods were buzzing with life. Hundreds of dragonflies flying across the front of my bike,

the light breeze rustling through the flowers,

the chirping of grasshoppers,

and the sound of the river flowing into the lake calmed and settled my thoughts into a slow pace.

(These are just some of the pictures I took during my bike ride.)

It's at these moments that I love living in northern Minnesota and out in the sticks. Being able to connect with nature is a blessing that I enjoy greatly. Even if it means that people think I'm a redneck or a hillbilly for living out here. 

Coffee and Make-Believe Sunshine

I am sitting here in my favorite place to drink coffee while surrounded by older men. What am I doing? I am attending the Coots Club. I started attending this when I was in tenth grade. It's where a group of older retired men come to drink coffee and talk about what is going on in the town. So, basically it's a men's gossip club. The sounds of them talking and laughing make me smile. I have missed this. Not having to worry about time or whether I am doing something wrong, it's time to just be me and relax. I have a double starting at 11 today, but I am not thinking about that or what I need to do (laundry). All I am doing is sitting and bullsh*ting.

So what has been happening with my crazy hectic life? Well, my uncle is now visiting from New Jersey to help out with Grandpa. Luckily he is an RN and actually has the training to stay with him. I went to the movie Super 8 with him and my other uncle. The movie was amazing, just saying.

I was going to go to Valley Fair on Friday with my friends from college, however with the way my Grandpa is doing I am terrified to leave him even if it's just a day. I haven't been able to visit him much even though he is just down the road because of all my doubles. I know that my time with him is running out and I am so stressed that I won't be able to stop by and talk with him whenever I get the whim.

Then one must add the cost of going to Valley Fair into account. Driving down there and back will cost $70, the ticket will cost $40, and my food expenses will cost $50. That is a more than $200. I can't afford to spend $200 for just one day.

Then one must add in the time issue. It takes 3 1/2 hours to drive down there, which I would do Thursday night, go to Valley Fair on Friday then the drive back home would be 5 1/2 hours because Valley Fair is south of the cities. Add in more time for driving because everyone drives up to their cabin and I have to drive 6 1/2 hours to get home. The next morning I get to work at 5:30 in the morning and I am working another double that day, so I wouldn't be able to get off of work until 10pm at least.
To be honest, I am already exhausted and I think this trip would put me down for the count.

So, what will I be doing instead? Hanging with Gramps and doing my laundry, maybe even bake some cookies for him. All I know is that I am in serious need of a day off. People keep telling me that I'm running myself into the ground, and I know that I am, but how else will I pay for college? I am so worried about money and having enough of it that it keeps me going to work. So, how will I treat myself for all this working? Chocolate. And saving enough money for a spring break trip. That is what I am looking towards.

I just keep thinking about how happy and grateful I will be feeling when I can take a trip instead of working. I can already feel the sun shining down on my face and feel the chill of the winter thaw out of my bones. Of course this is only in my imagination because how summer has started, wet and gloomy. Whatever, I can stay in my imagination all day and just pretend that it's gorgeous out. If anyone needs to find me, I'll be in my happy place where the sun shines everyday.

Late Night Talks on the Phone

There have been many things going on in my life that I can barely keep them all together between working two jobs, hanging out with friends, spending time with family, and making my love life work. During the past two days I've been having to tell myself "Today is a good day." I have been working multiple doubles nonstop giving me only a few hours of sleep, my grandpa can die any day based on how poorly he looks, and I had to tell the guy I was sort of seeing that I couldn't be his girlfriend. But I have every confidence that it will get better very soon.

Last night, I spent some quality time with my friends after we got off work at 10:30 last night and went swimming in the lake. Most of us didn't have bathing suits, so instead we went in our underwear. The water was freezing, but it's these moments that make me realize that I still need to live my life to the fullest. It's the crazy carefree moments like this that people remember, not the working.

So with that, I was eager to talk to the guy I was sort of seeing and tell him all about my adventure; however, when he came on the phone all he wanted to talk about was my sisters and why they were mad at him. How the hell would I know? Then he kept asking me what they said to me about him, which was nothing but good things.

When I told him this, he kept at it, asking me what I had heard from them.  During this moment, it made me wonder what he had done to be so concerned at what I had heard. He goes on to tell me that he went out with my eldest sister last year, but nothing happened. I had already known that they went out a couple times.

Out of the blue, he asks if I will be his girlfriend. I was shocked. I wanted to say yes, but at the same time, there was a voice in the back of my head telling me to say no. Reminding me of when we kissed for the first time that there was no sparks, no fireworks, nothing. It was a good kiss, don't get me wrong! There just wasn't any sparks for me. I wanted there to be fireworks, but no such luck.

 So, when I tried to tell him the reasons why I was telling him no, he didn't want to hear any of it. He asked me if I liked him, but I don't think he liked my answer of "I don't know". The reason for my "I don't know" was because I enjoyed his company so much and the midnight talks a great deal that I wanted to like him more than a friend. He wouldn't let me speak though, and I was tired of fighting so I let him hang up.

This morning I woke up to find a text from him saying "thank you but I still don't understand why your sis got more back bone than you". What does this even mean? And which one of us should feel more assaulted? It's this text that makes me realize that I want to yell at him for saying this, but that isn't classy or right. So, what do I do? Nothing. Not yet anyway.

I feel like I need to talk to him about the why of it and how I feel, but how do you get into contact with a guy that now hates your guts? Is it by phone? Letter? Text? Voicemail? Surely not work, because that would be unprofessional. Maybe a text saying that we need to talk? I'm so lost on what to do that it makes me wonder if I should just stop dating again.

But, I know that this is just a bump in the road for me or maybe a huge pothole and that I should continue onward, otherwise how will I be happy? I am not weak and quitting just sounds too easy and sad. So with more eagerness than before, I will keep my eyes open for new things, people, and experiences. No man will ever keep me down.

So what have I decided about this man? I won't tell him a thing. Obviously he didn't want to hear me out, so why bother? And apparently I have no back bone. We'll see about that.