Instead Of Valley Fair

So, yesterday I had the day off. I was going to go to Valley Fair, but obviously there were a lot of reasons why I didn't go. What did I do instead? I slept in til 9:30 in the morning, woke up to a call asking if I could work lunch that day, and what did I say? No, I said no. At first I felt horrible for saying it, but then after awhile I started to feel happy about it. I mean I really needed the day off. Badly. I was doing it for my mental state of mind. I was exhausted, and I absolutely needed a break.

I was able to finish my laundry, clean my room, visit my grandpa, help my dad with going to the dump, take a bike ride, pick my mom up from work, go to the bank, and visit that adorable puppy named Ruby. I guess none of it was too exciting, but it was so nice to have some me time. Not only that, but I haven't been able to finish doing all my laundry since before school ended, isn't that sad?

During the morning yesterday, I was very sensitive to the things that people were saying to me (later I realized that I was just exhausted), and when my dad offered to let me come along to the dump with him, I was wary to go. However, I hadn't been able to spend much time with him lately, and I decided that I really needed to get out of the house, so I ended up accepting. The ride was pleasant and the ability to throw objects while hearing the smash and crack of it landing on the ground helped me out of my sensitive mood. It was then that I decided that once I got back home I was going to go on a bike ride and visit my family friend and her puppy.

I took the trail right across from my house and lazily peddled down to her small house. This trip was so soothing and beautiful. I really enjoyed not being chased by dogs this time too.

 The woods were buzzing with life. Hundreds of dragonflies flying across the front of my bike,

the light breeze rustling through the flowers,

the chirping of grasshoppers,

and the sound of the river flowing into the lake calmed and settled my thoughts into a slow pace.

(These are just some of the pictures I took during my bike ride.)

It's at these moments that I love living in northern Minnesota and out in the sticks. Being able to connect with nature is a blessing that I enjoy greatly. Even if it means that people think I'm a redneck or a hillbilly for living out here. 

Coffee and Make-Believe Sunshine

I am sitting here in my favorite place to drink coffee while surrounded by older men. What am I doing? I am attending the Coots Club. I started attending this when I was in tenth grade. It's where a group of older retired men come to drink coffee and talk about what is going on in the town. So, basically it's a men's gossip club. The sounds of them talking and laughing make me smile. I have missed this. Not having to worry about time or whether I am doing something wrong, it's time to just be me and relax. I have a double starting at 11 today, but I am not thinking about that or what I need to do (laundry). All I am doing is sitting and bullsh*ting.

So what has been happening with my crazy hectic life? Well, my uncle is now visiting from New Jersey to help out with Grandpa. Luckily he is an RN and actually has the training to stay with him. I went to the movie Super 8 with him and my other uncle. The movie was amazing, just saying.

I was going to go to Valley Fair on Friday with my friends from college, however with the way my Grandpa is doing I am terrified to leave him even if it's just a day. I haven't been able to visit him much even though he is just down the road because of all my doubles. I know that my time with him is running out and I am so stressed that I won't be able to stop by and talk with him whenever I get the whim.

Then one must add the cost of going to Valley Fair into account. Driving down there and back will cost $70, the ticket will cost $40, and my food expenses will cost $50. That is a more than $200. I can't afford to spend $200 for just one day.

Then one must add in the time issue. It takes 3 1/2 hours to drive down there, which I would do Thursday night, go to Valley Fair on Friday then the drive back home would be 5 1/2 hours because Valley Fair is south of the cities. Add in more time for driving because everyone drives up to their cabin and I have to drive 6 1/2 hours to get home. The next morning I get to work at 5:30 in the morning and I am working another double that day, so I wouldn't be able to get off of work until 10pm at least.
To be honest, I am already exhausted and I think this trip would put me down for the count.

So, what will I be doing instead? Hanging with Gramps and doing my laundry, maybe even bake some cookies for him. All I know is that I am in serious need of a day off. People keep telling me that I'm running myself into the ground, and I know that I am, but how else will I pay for college? I am so worried about money and having enough of it that it keeps me going to work. So, how will I treat myself for all this working? Chocolate. And saving enough money for a spring break trip. That is what I am looking towards.

I just keep thinking about how happy and grateful I will be feeling when I can take a trip instead of working. I can already feel the sun shining down on my face and feel the chill of the winter thaw out of my bones. Of course this is only in my imagination because how summer has started, wet and gloomy. Whatever, I can stay in my imagination all day and just pretend that it's gorgeous out. If anyone needs to find me, I'll be in my happy place where the sun shines everyday.

Late Night Talks on the Phone

There have been many things going on in my life that I can barely keep them all together between working two jobs, hanging out with friends, spending time with family, and making my love life work. During the past two days I've been having to tell myself "Today is a good day." I have been working multiple doubles nonstop giving me only a few hours of sleep, my grandpa can die any day based on how poorly he looks, and I had to tell the guy I was sort of seeing that I couldn't be his girlfriend. But I have every confidence that it will get better very soon.

Last night, I spent some quality time with my friends after we got off work at 10:30 last night and went swimming in the lake. Most of us didn't have bathing suits, so instead we went in our underwear. The water was freezing, but it's these moments that make me realize that I still need to live my life to the fullest. It's the crazy carefree moments like this that people remember, not the working.

So with that, I was eager to talk to the guy I was sort of seeing and tell him all about my adventure; however, when he came on the phone all he wanted to talk about was my sisters and why they were mad at him. How the hell would I know? Then he kept asking me what they said to me about him, which was nothing but good things.

When I told him this, he kept at it, asking me what I had heard from them.  During this moment, it made me wonder what he had done to be so concerned at what I had heard. He goes on to tell me that he went out with my eldest sister last year, but nothing happened. I had already known that they went out a couple times.

Out of the blue, he asks if I will be his girlfriend. I was shocked. I wanted to say yes, but at the same time, there was a voice in the back of my head telling me to say no. Reminding me of when we kissed for the first time that there was no sparks, no fireworks, nothing. It was a good kiss, don't get me wrong! There just wasn't any sparks for me. I wanted there to be fireworks, but no such luck.

 So, when I tried to tell him the reasons why I was telling him no, he didn't want to hear any of it. He asked me if I liked him, but I don't think he liked my answer of "I don't know". The reason for my "I don't know" was because I enjoyed his company so much and the midnight talks a great deal that I wanted to like him more than a friend. He wouldn't let me speak though, and I was tired of fighting so I let him hang up.

This morning I woke up to find a text from him saying "thank you but I still don't understand why your sis got more back bone than you". What does this even mean? And which one of us should feel more assaulted? It's this text that makes me realize that I want to yell at him for saying this, but that isn't classy or right. So, what do I do? Nothing. Not yet anyway.

I feel like I need to talk to him about the why of it and how I feel, but how do you get into contact with a guy that now hates your guts? Is it by phone? Letter? Text? Voicemail? Surely not work, because that would be unprofessional. Maybe a text saying that we need to talk? I'm so lost on what to do that it makes me wonder if I should just stop dating again.

But, I know that this is just a bump in the road for me or maybe a huge pothole and that I should continue onward, otherwise how will I be happy? I am not weak and quitting just sounds too easy and sad. So with more eagerness than before, I will keep my eyes open for new things, people, and experiences. No man will ever keep me down.

So what have I decided about this man? I won't tell him a thing. Obviously he didn't want to hear me out, so why bother? And apparently I have no back bone. We'll see about that.

Dating and Love

How do you know that you're dating a person that you would like to be with for a long time? Is it the fireworks that go off when you kiss or the butterflies you get when that person walks into the room? I think it is, but how do you know when you want to continue something or end it? I mean if you enjoy the person company a great deal and really do like hanging out with him, but when you kiss nothing seems to be there other than the pleasure of being with them, does that mean that you two are better off friends? But maybe it could turn into something good.

When I think of dating someone, I want it to be like in a love story. I want the butterflies when I see him, the fireworks when we kiss, the moments where I catch myself grinning like a fool for being with him, those awful and completely gushy romantic instances, the need to see his face every day, the ability to play and act silly with a partner in crime, and the inconvenient, uncontrollable, all-consuming love. That is all I want.

That isn't too much to ask for, is it? It's not like I am asking for a knight in shinning armor who has a six pack and can serenade me with music, but it would be nice. To be honest, I would never even care for that unless it meant that I would get true love. Maybe Olive in the motion picture "Easy A" even has it right when she talks about an 80's movie romance with the boombox, lawn mower, a fist in the air, and even the musical number for no apparent reason.

Time, Family, and a Wedding

So, the movie thing with the coworker was a date. I figured it was when I got there. I mean, I could just feel that it was a date, but the big tip off was when he asked me after the movie if he could take me out again. Let's just say that there were butterflies fluttering in my stomach when I saw the text.

 Of course I said sure, I mean we couldn't really talk much during the movie so another date is in order. We have been texting and figuring out if and when we can next see each other, there were a couple times we tried but each time so far has fallen through, but with both our work schedules that seems to be expected. It is kind of crazy to try to find time to see him, hang with friends and still get enough time to do the necessities in life like sleep, shower, and do my laundry.

Just last night we found that the only time that we could talk on the phone was right before I was going to bed, at 1o'clock in the morning. We talked for so long that his phone died and and mine almost did. When I looked at the the clock, I saw that it was way passed 2 o'clock. Way passed my bed time, but well worth it.

This morning I went to visit an older couple that are like my second parents to see their new puppy. She is a black pug and her name is Ruby.

 I love pugs so much, and she is just the cutest little thing that I ever did see, maybe.

However, my time was cut short with her because my mom and I had to go see my grandpa.

First off, I have to confess that my grandfather is quite ill and the amount of time has left on earth is wearing thin. So the man that I went to see, was just a shadow of the man that he once was. He has lost most of his weight from chemo for his Leukemia and the blood infection that he once had. When we got there, we found him just looking at his garden.

Mind you, he didn't do anything in his garden yet this year. My grandpa joked a couple of days ago that his planter was amazing, that all he had to do was tell my uncle what to do and he would do it. Now wouldn't it be nice? He seemed content to just look at the nice garden and think of the crops to come.

After my mom and I dropped off soup for my grandpa, we headed back home to pack up the car and head out of town for a friend of the family wedding which basically translates into family with my family. It seems my family is is very huge on the family thing whether it be blood or chosen, it is cherished like no other.

As I wait for the time to get closer to the wedding I am very happy to say that I am enjoying this wifi in the hotel a little too much. Now if only I had it at my house... at least I have internet.

Beaches, Family and Books

The past couple of days have been both hectic and amazing. The other day I worked at both of my jobs thinking that I would have free time for myself and turns out I did. The swanky restaurant didn't need me after 1:30- 2 so I was able to go home and relax before my next job at 5. I had promised my grandfather to by him some pineapple and visit him so I did that before I hopped back into my car so that I could drive home to lay in the sun for a couple of hours.

And let me tell you it was amazing to just lay down and read my book, and just relax after my continuous doubles I have had lately. The book I was reading was a paranormal romance. I know, I know, I am just a huge sucker for them. It's not like I believe that all that stuff is real, it's just nice to read about adventures and happenings that usually wouldn't happen. Some other books I love to read are romance comedies. They are so funny, hence the name, anyways the characters always seem to get caught in these really huge embarrassing moments and in turn I get embarrassed for them.

Sometimes I even have to skip the really embarrassing part for a little bit and then go back when I am ready. It's during these times that I think to myself 'how on earth will you get through these embarrassing moments when you are writing them yourself?' I guess I will just have to be super embarrassed and cringe and laugh my way through it. And most likely almost all of my characters will be awkward, its going to happen because that is just how I am. I can already see it. Hahaha!

Yesterday was a real treat too. I was able to go on the Pontoon and go to the beach with my family.

Every Sunday, my family goes out on the boat and anchors it at a certain beach that all of my family and the locals go to in my town. It was so hot out but the water was real cold. I don't think I would have even gone in the water if it wasn't hot out. Being able to catch up with some of my family was really nice before I had to go back in to town to go work at the swanky place.

When I got there I had three tables within minutes, which made me feel like I was on rewind and everyone was on fast forward. Always ten steps behind everyone else, but like any other night I trucked through it, and had some really nice moments. I waited on this one younger couple that were having their 30th anniversary today. Another couple I overheard saying that I was really cute and bubbly so I must've not have been to far behind. Then one of my coworkers who was off started talking to me asking "when are you going to bring me to the movies?"I had to tell him that I didn't know when I could. His response was understanding, saying "with two jobs you must have all the feel time in the world? So when's your next day off?" I don't know. So instead he gave me his number.

Later I saw him again and he told me that I was trouble. How am I trouble? I never did anything wrong. And as I thought more about it, I remember another guy telling me this and that the guy's mother warned him about girls like me. Now I am thinking 'girls like me? Now I am categorized? And what does that even mean?' And to be honest, I don't even know if he is just wanting to hang out as friends or more. Why can't it ever be straight forward like in the caveman days. Caveman to cavewoman "You! Me likey." or whatever they said back then.